• Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to use the bathroom.

 

• Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 

• Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 

• Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and somone always answers.

 

• Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

 

• Variation Law - If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

 

• Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

 

• Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when youa re with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 

• Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

 

• Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 

• Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last and they are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over while those in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and who stay to the bitter end of the performance and beyond. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

 

• The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 

• Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, thye will have adjacent lockers.

 

• Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of carpet/rug.

 

• Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

 

• Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

 

• Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 

• Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

 

• Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

 

The Back Pew

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expenive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, a=d we will take as many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'

Talk about a great story to really make you think! Who is your Susie? Are you somebody's Susie?

WET PANTS

Come with me to a third grade classroom..... There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet. He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened. It's never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as he lives.

The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head down and prays this prayer, 'Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead meat.'

He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered.

As the teacher is walking toward him, a class mate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap.

The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, 'Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!'

Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out. All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk. The sympathy is wonderful. But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie.

She tries to help, but they tell her to get out. You've done enough, you klutz!'

Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers, 'You did that on purpose, didn't you?' Susie whispers back, 'I wet my pants once too.'