"This is great! Jill P. Glenn 1st Grade Teacher Martin Elementary

Grandparents! RETARDED GRANDPARENTS (This was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas , a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona . Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren..."

I saw that someone else posted this on a social networking site. I do not know where it orginally came from, but it was so perfect that I couldn't pass up sharing it with everyone else!

This weekend I really decided that I was quite fond of the whole “FML” phrase and website. It was supposed to be an exciting weekend for me since I was finally going to fix my laptop, and pay off my car. Now who wouldn’t be ecstatic to do reach these accomplishments?! Well let me tell you briefly what these accomplishments were like for me.

Read More About My FML Weekend Here

• I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my lfie. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

• Aspire to inspire before you expire.

 

• My wife and I had words... but I didn't get to use mine.

 

• Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

 

• Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

 

• The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

 

• God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

 

• I was always taught to respect my eders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

 

• Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

 

• The quote of the month is by Jay Leno"

 

"With hurricanes, tornado's, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ...ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring "Hello? Hello? Damn it!", but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail.

What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger, and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

• Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to use the bathroom.

 

• Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 

• Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 

• Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and somone always answers.

 

• Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

 

• Variation Law - If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

 

• Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

 

• Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when youa re with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 

• Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

 

• Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 

• Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last and they are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over while those in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and who stay to the bitter end of the performance and beyond. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

 

• The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 

• Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, thye will have adjacent lockers.

 

• Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of carpet/rug.

 

• Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

 

• Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

 

• Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 

• Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

 

• Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.